All paths lead nowhere, choose with heart

the very best parts of 2011 January 1, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — sendann @ 5:14 pm

NYE lobsters at my parent's house. pardy hardy!

Yay new year! I realized recently that even though the pervading wisdom of the world is that you are more likely to regret the things you didn’t do than the things you did that went awry, I am an exception. I do almost everything I can think of, and there are a handful of them that have turned out terribly and that I mortally regret. Yeah, life is lovely and the mistakes of the past are but part of the foundation of what is working today, but I have wasted countless hours on fruitless painful activities, been impulsive and cruel in instances where it was not necessary and I knew it, and willfully ignored the obvious. And it’s not like ‘oh if only I knew then what I know now’. Because I knew all along. It’s more like, ‘oh if only I’d had the discipline to do what I knew was the right thing to do when I knew it, which was when it mattered.’

And this was suppose to be a happy post about my goals for the new year and accomplishments of 2011, yet somehow it fell apart around word 3….

But I have made some adjustments to my approach this year that will, hopefully, prevent some future regrets. And those adjustments have been some of my favorite 2011 experiences. Here’s them:


1. Working with Lauren at the Feminine Rhythm. Her work teaching the Art of Feminine Presence has taken a HUGE weight off of me in more ways than I can describe. If you haven’t tried her class, or one like it with the Yin Project, I recommend it. Like I was saying to some dudes in her yard after my last class – “Lauren teaches you to hit the road to your dreams, have amazing boyfriends, and be better at life.” Probably all the other things I love about 2011 have come as a result of working with her.


2. The Flagstaff vision quest. I wrote about it here. Terry says a vision quest is like an full body physical for your spirit. I hope that doesn’t mean I have to do another one this year because it was misery. But I’ve been able to tap into a certain feeling I had at the end of it a number of times since, and I’ve found a lot of calm and confidence in it. I’ve never picked back up the feelings of shame, loneliness and totally freaked out horror that washed over me over those days, and that had obviously been looming inside for who knows how long. It was a game changer, for the insides.

3. My special photo session. Back in the spring I convinced Erik to come over to Rebecca’s house and take gorgeous photos of me. I’d never done anything like that before, but I’ve heard about it quite a bit, as a thing that women do sometimes. Just planning the shoot was a blast, developing my sexiness aesthetic, choosing what to wear, my inspirations, talking with him about what would be the most flattering and interesting. Doing it was incredible and challenging, letting him kind of direct and help me relax and get my face right. I wish we’d had twice as much time (and light!). Since then, looking at the photos and showing them to friends has been a third level of amazing. I showed my favorites to a few friends, but I showed all of them to Jennie. When I pointed out the one’s I didn’t like as much she was surprised. I just didn’t think they looked much like me. She said no, those look the most like you. Freaky! I’m slowly planning another session, all outside this time.

4. Comprehensive Pilates teacher training. Holy cow. This work changed the way I think about training, movement and climbing. I’ve been climbing outside full time all year without significant pain and haven’t acquired any new tweaks. My elbows and wrists feel better than they have since before I started climbing, although I still complain. I fully credit my daily 25 minute mat routine. I only wish I had more opportunities to teach formally. I suppose there is plenty of time for that. For now, come practice with me all month long in February, 9ish on the back patio of the ranch! Unless I’m on an early tour :=P.

5. I started dating. This year has brought me the most romantic experiences of my life. I’ve had lovely boyfriends and an amazing husband in the past, but guys this year have been nicer to me than anyone ever has before. And it’s not that my taste has changed or I’m encountering some different breed of dude (I am not). I think it’s because I’m learning, finally, to just take it – to accept the guyish niceness that comes to me. That sounds strange. I suppose I’m coming around to embrace how much I need and want a man in my life, and getting cool with that has helped me shut up and go with the good stuff as it comes, instead of constantly doubting and questioning myself and everyone else. It’s not always so sunny, and I’ve certainly cried a bucket this year as well, but I feel better (as in more effectively) and it seems like I’m able to make better choices faster.

And that’s what I was talking about earlier. I’ve made very regretful choices before, based on what I thought was the right way to be feeling and the right thing to be wanting, rather than what I actually was feeling and wanting. And out of fear of being too weak to make it, or becoming a bag woman, or one of those people brought to ruin by a charismatic druggie lover who sells the trailer out from under them to settle a gambling debt then they end up with a mugshot on Gawker as the loser of the week. Although a good friend of mine had a baby with that very guy a few years ago, and he cleaned up and things have turned out quite well for them, so I suppose time and love sometimes heal, which will be a comforting thought should those fears come to be. So I don’t worry about them anymore.

I’m definitely not getting any nicer, but I’ll be a bit smarter going into 2012, which is more important to me anyway.

Oh, goals! Here’s what I can think of: Climb on the road for another year. Make more/better money than I did in 2011. Go to South Africa. Do another comp circuit. Sport climb for 2 months. Take Yin Project teacher training. Trad climb for a week. Eat organic and don’t gossip. Blog regularly and take more and better pictures. Try to find a prepaid android mobile program.


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